im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Operation Purity has been aborted
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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