I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
