I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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