I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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