So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
