Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
