The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
