How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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