I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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