so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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