I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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