Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
