dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
