so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
