Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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