Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
