I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
