I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I've blown a few things in my day
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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