I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
