if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
