why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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