why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
