elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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