And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
