areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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