i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
