Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
