I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We need to get me chipped asap
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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