I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
