I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
