yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
