I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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