I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
