My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
