im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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