i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
