YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
