Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
