It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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