Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
