I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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