I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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