now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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