why didn't you poke me back
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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