I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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