Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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