my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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