I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
