What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
40s are totally the cure
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Let the clothes fall where they may.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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