apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
